Posted by Frazier
So two college football bloggers walk into a bar, wait stop me if you've heard this one before....well maybe you haven't, but we got to thinking. Let's say there was a place, a magical bar where all the college football personalities gathered on Saturday nights to drink and make merry. What would the drink orders look like? That my friend, is why God invented the Tuesday question (so what if it's Wednesday, God also invented Columbus Day).
Walter: Jacob Hester - Much like Miller Lite, he’s all substance and no flash. After one of his patented yeoman-like efforts (20 carry, 90 yard, and 4 fourth down conversion) there’s no doubt that this workhorse orders himself up a whole bunch of bottles of the workhorse of light beers. And even though their twist offs, he probably opens them with his teeth just for fun.
Frazier: Jacob Hester - The working man's drink for the ultimate work-horse. Hester rolls through bottles like he rolled through the Gator defense. He'll probably buy his offensive line a round while he's at it.
Martini Straight Up
Walter: Matt Ryan - Unlike most of the other stars of college football Ryan just oozes “classy cool.” In an era of Vin Diesels and Sly Stallones, Ryan is Steve McQueen. He doesn’t need to thump his chest and engage in ostentatious boasting to show how good he is. He simply goes out and whoops your ass as the calm, cool and collected gentleman that he is.
Frazier: Matt Ryan - This absolute classic goes to a classic pocket passer. You can almost picture Matt dropping back and enjoying his drink while calmly surveying the field. He reminds me a lot of Matt Schaub, another classic thrower who didn't get a lot of national love, but has proven himself to be an excellent player.
Walter: Chase Daniel - He’s small (generously listed at 6’0”) so he definitely plays with a chip on his shoulder and is always trying to prove himself. Daniel is that guy who sits in the corner quietly minding his own business, the out of nowhere puts down three boilermakers, walks over the pretty blonde, says two words, and walks out with her. Yep, Chase is the man.
Frazier: Tim Tebow - All by himself in the corner of the bar. He has about ten and then starts shit with the biggest guy he can find, just to challenge himself. Possibly the most intense quarterback I've ever seen.
Walter: Colt McCoy - He’s the chic pick despite secretly being terrible. Even though he’s too small, doesn’t have a strong arm, and buckles under pressure, people still think he’s great. A cosmo fits him perfectly because it’s trendy, but frankly doesn’t have the substance to stand up to more classical spirituous beverages (Its basically Vodko and Cranberry juice for crying out loud!).
Frazier: USC Defense - This unit would seemingly rather sit around, watch "Sex and the City" and gossip than buckle down and make a play. As talented as they are individually, they failed to come through when their team needed them.
Walter: Ali Highsmith and Danny McCray (nobody takes a Kamikaze shot by himself) - There’s no doubt these two drink as recklessly as they play. On the field they are guided missiles made of flesh and bone, seeking and destroying opposing backs and receivers. In the bar, after a few Kamikazes they’re still guided missiles made of flesh and bone, seeking and destroying…..er ah, well you know. They are just up the state from New Orleans.
Frazier: Matt Grothe - The is simply a wild-man. The kind who takes his shot, then grabs yours before you can throw it down.
Walter: Anthony Morigami - Peach Schnapps is the only thing that doesn’t sting too badly if he were to spill any in his vagina…..not sure about the Orange Juice though. He actually may not be enough of a man to handle this drink.
Frazier: Colt McCoy - He's the kind who wants to be drunk, but doesn't want to have it burn on the way down. All the glory, none of the pain. Pussy.
Gin and Tonic
Walter: Tommy Bowden - Just like a gin and tonic, he’s at his peak in the summer and into the dog days of fall, but once October hits he starts his slow, steady, dreary decline through winter. Seriously, what kind of asshole drinks a gin and tonic in December? Tommy Bowden, trying to recapture how great it felt to be 4-0 in September.
Frazier: Chase Daniel - Chase is like this classic drink. It's made of two ingredients that don't do much by themselves, like being a very short quarterback, or not throwing a particularly beautiful ball, but ends up being incredible together. Daniel turns those ingredients into a double-threat.
Walter: Phil Loadholt - To him, it’s just a shot of punch.
Frazier: The South Florida Defense - If these guys swarm to the ball the same way they swarm to the ball, then this sucker isn't going to last long. Don't worry, George Selvie is sitting anchor for the races.
Seven and Seven
Walter: Darren McFadden and Felix Jones - A 7 & 7 is a tough yet smart drink, that is unique in that both ingredients are great by themselves, but their taste is enhanced when mixed. McFadden and Jones would each be stars anywhere, but in the same backfield they are unstoppable.
Frazier: Rashard Mendenhall - The most underrated drink on the list goes to Mendenhall, one of the most underrated players in the country, leading his team and rushing, and being second in receiving. Like the 7 & 7, Mendenhall is simply getting it done.
Walter: PJ Hill and Jorvorski Lane - The Caucasian, while delicious is fattening as hell. Seriously, these two fat fucks would find the only drink ever created to mix alcohol with fucking cream! Not to mention that the White Russian doesn’t actually have all that much booze in it. A good thing for these two superfrauds.
Frazier: Todd Boeckman - The Todd abides. Lots of people like this drink, but I don't. Still, Todd has to lay back, enjoy his beverage, and not fuck up.