Tuesday Question - Police Blotter  

Posted by Frazier

Welcome to the 323 precinct. We've opened the drunk tank so Sox fans have a place to cool off instead of flipping cars, but we have a number of other perps in here this week. Here are the guys spending time in the pokey, and the crimes they committed.

Regicide: Mike Bellotti

Down with the king! Not only are the Ducks flying high, but Bellotti's boys were completely unafraid of the King of the Pac-10, USC. Now the king is dead. -

Lewd and Lascivious Conduct: Jimmy Clausen

How bad has it been? Notre Dame is last in the nation in sacks allowed (39), last in tackles for loss allowed (77), last in rushing ypg (34.13), 112th in passing ypg (153.5, last in total yardage (187.5). Yup, behind that OL Claussen is totally "exposed" (thank you, thank you, I'll be here all week). - Walter

Jaywalking: Jim Tressel

Pretty much the only crime the sweater-vested one is likely to commit. Unless ruining yet another title game is a crime. And, frankly, it should be. - Frazier

Grand theft auto: Mike Hart

The only thing keeping this huge-hearted dynamo from being a sure fire first round pick is speed. Once Hart picks himself up a set of wheels, top 5 here we come! - Walter

Extortion: Ray Rice

Rice has Rutgers by the balls, and everyone knows it. If he leaves school after his junior season, he will make himself a ton of money, and the Knights will descend back towards mediocrity. If he returns, they could have their best season, well, ever. -

Intimidating a witness: Chris Long

Let's see, 6'4'' and 280 lbs. with a borderline inhuman intensity. Yeah if I needed to shut a witness up I might give Chris a call. Plus, if he needed some backup he could always call on his NFL Hall of Famer Dad Howie. - Walter

Forgery: Mike Crabtree

We all learned from Danny Almonte that if a kid seems too good for his age, HE IS. 100 catches, 1400+ yards, 18 TD, and he claims he only just turned 20 years old? Sounds like Mike might have used some of his handy work on his birth certificate. - Walter

Identity theft: Hawaii

They're trying to be the Boise St. of 2007. Unfortunately, they ain't. We hauled these guys in after the near-debacle against San Jose St. and we're holding them for their own protection, so they can't get destroyed in a BCS game. -

Prostitution: Dennis Erickson

Yeah they love him in Tempe right now, but what happens when some sweet NFL job comes a calling this summer? If history is any indication Erickson will go where the money is. To call Erickson a "gentleman of the evening" ain't such a big stretch. - Walter

Mail Fraud: Dennis Franchione

Well, this was a gimme. We all know about his illicit booster-magazine business. And we all know that he's just a big fat fraud generally. While we may actually have a case here, there's no way the punishment is going to fit all his crimes. -

Attempted murder: Minnesota Golden Gophers

If they attempt murder like they do football there will be no reason to worry about anyone getting so much as a paper cut. Attempted murder? Seriously guys, do the deed or don't. Losers. -


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